Is paranoia a useful and effective tool for judging one’s self worth? Because who would bother creating deep cover conspiracies for just some nobody, some schlub?

You need be important to be spied upon. No?

Who’s spying on your coworkers? No one, that’s who. Who’s spying on your neighbors? Well, if you’re not, no one else is, cause they’re nobodies.

Do you know someone who is not paranoid? You know why? Cause they are a loser. Lo-Ser. They clearly operate with a peace of mind that grand governmental, legal, ethical or supernatural don’t even believe is worth the effort of spooking.

You need to have something going on to be conspired against.

The more access we have to each other, the more difficult it gets to reach people. I’m in a position where I need to ask for email addresses to complete certain types of business. And I have noticed that asking certain people (not all….not dull, dishwater, regular happy people) get a strange look when asked this question, like as opposed to a request for an address, I asked in a version of Swahili for their hand in marriage and breeding. They get flustered and look uncomfortable, while I stand there cool in demeanor, trying to not act like I’m going to take their email and send it directly to the Taliban or worse yet, Google. (just kidding Google, I love you.)

Which, of course, I will do cause I’m part of it. I’m a cog in the Grand Conspiracy. And all I got was this stupid tee shirt. And $25.000 in Deutsche marks. You’re a patsy and I am Jack Ruby. I got Castro on speed dial, which is impressive when considering the phone quality in Cuba.

No, just kidding. Right?

Oh, and be sure to sign up for Facebook Messenger. That’s how we see into your bedroom. Oh, plus the pictures you posted of your bedroom. Everywhere.

But how can such arcane plots and the slow theft of freedoms operate in a glass room, in this web filled world with every sin caught on digital video and every document pdf’d, printed and posted? How do the conspirators even communicate in such a leaky unsafe world?

Cat pictures. Every one is tagged and tracked. Wired into the pixels, patterns emerge. If you’re in the know.

Which you ain’t.