Polar Seltzer: Bubbles Pimps

Oh Worcester. So much to answer for.


When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. And started drinking my water with bubbles in it.


We have all seen the Great Old Pimp Panda hailing ‘Hi-Dee-Ho’ over the Worcester highways. Polar. Once a B Side in the Soda hit list, but now…. Pushers of The Fizz, The Sizzle, The SEXY Carbonated Sensation full of freak flavor (I use that term lightly…as they use their flavors).


Let’s take it back. For the old folks and perhaps ‘fogies’ out there, Seltzer is Club Soda. Wait. Seltzer was first. I wasn’t watching scads of classic comedians spraying each other with ‘Club Soda’ bottles (Yes, I feel the need to capitalize both Club and Soda as it is a classy thing to do). OK, So to you millennial’s (I’m not sure what a millennial is and don’t care) , Club Soda is seltzer.


Wait. Fuck it. It’s fizzy water.


I think I first became aware of Polar soda when I was a kid and they created a line of terrible, vile, awful diet soda’s with amazing names. Like ‘Cherry Cheesecake’ Diet. Or ‘Chocolate Mousse’. Or ‘Apples and Sunshine’. Or ‘Vanilla Stapler’. My mom would bring these home and my mouth would water in anticipation of FINALLY having Cheesecake in a drinkable form. Boy Howdy.


I can’t describe the flavor. Unless you had Tab. It’s Tab.


And life went on. I was periodically reminded of their existence by that big Polar Bear waving me on (or flipping me off, depending on whether statues read blogs) and went about my adulthood and discovered something amazing: Water is delicious. Seriously, try it.


Once upon a time I was strolling all causal like through the supermarket and my eyes went wide at what I saw: Green Apple Seltzer. Greeeeeen Apppppple Seltzzzzzzzer.


And my boyhood dreams of a Cheesecake Soda bum rushed the show (I am the show, in this example) and before I knew it, I was in front of the store, slightly dazed. With my quart in my hand (not a euphemism…but close. Good eye). I did not even wait till I got home, I opened that cap and drank with gusto.


And the Green Apple flavor was so strong and deep and good I saw colors and started swaying to and fro like I was at Woodstock. Oh. The Colors I saw.


No? Oh…you have had it. OK.


Polar Seltzer is proof of the Paranormal. It is haunted by flavor. But it has no flavor. I have taken to licking the color filled labels. Tastes the same.


My relationship with Polar Seltzer is the classic definition of insane: Yes, I will buy into you Cranberry Clementine, your Late Harvest Berries, your Ruby Red Grapefruit, and I will expect that flavor to flood my mouth and make my world a working place. Alas….it don’t.


Maybe the next bottle will….


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