I slept in my car last night. That wasn’t the plan. I am not sure if there is a plan. Is there a process to offering up your eternal self for worldly gain? Is there a registry I should have signed onto? In blood? Is that what Linked In actually is?
I park and I wait. In lieu of soundtrack and chatter, it is just the tapping of this phone. The phone doesn’t ring, the message indicator doesn’t blink. When I say I do not know what I am doing here, that question needs be answered in tiers.
Is this a fanciful suicide note? What am I trying to say by walking back through these drug mangled memories? Is my story a ‘teachable moment’?
It is habitual this creating to keep a order. I am parked and watching the world spin at the apex of these two roads. Chosen not by providence but by convenience. If the will is willing and the flesh is leaning into it, does that trip the Devils red line?
Worse still…I am an atheist. Though clearly not zealous on the subject. I do not believe there is anything beyond this earthen tomb. We born, we pass, we food for worms. Until the going gets rough. Then I am praying to God for luck and banging on the Devils door for validation.
Cause that is what this is about. Validation. I won’t let my life go unacknowledged. That has grown from a notion into a threat.
Going to Hell for eternity is awesome…as long as you do not believe in Hell. What if I misjudged?
The negative would be that I wasted sometime, changed my life, cut down the safety nets and need to figure out what is next. And keep figuring that out until I reach a natural ending.
The positive is I would rise. Rise above this body, my peers, tempt the clouds with my sheer freedom and conquer this world as it’s equal. Admiration and throngs of well wishers. Poverty properly banished forever more.
Then Damnation. Eternal.
Or worse yet….nothing.