The Nu Darwinism: Love Like A Dog and Live Like A Cat

 

Listen, I will not let scientific fact stand in my way. (Topical, eh?)

 

And I won’t weight in on the relative  value of owning a cat versus a dog. Yes, I have called cats ‘domestic terrorists’. I meant it too.

 

(FACT CHECK: As recorded in ‘Lust, Love & Longing: Dispatches from The Grimm Generation’ OOP)

 

But this is the Internet, which means it’s cat country. So I will withhold my (VALID) personal perspectives.

 

That said…. I am warming to the idea that we evolved from cats and dogs. Yup.

 

Let us talk about Monkeys. Who I also do not enjoy. Scampering and spitting furry diva’s. I can see a vague resemblance. But when it comes to attitudes, real identifiable human traits, they seem vaguely…French. That is not an insult to Monkeys. It is simply they seem  a bit … rape-y.

 

(FACT CHECK: This opinion is based on actual events witnessed while serving a sentence for Community Service at The Beardsley Zoo. That aside, I know nothing about Monkeys. And see to have an issue with consistent capitalizing of the very word)

 

They just don’t fill the grey area between animal and human behavior as well as the domestic pets do. I figure it like this:

 

A race of super intelligent cats and dogs came to Earth in prehistory, figured it would make a nice spot to procreate in, but had a problem: they could not reach the counters. Counters are a necessary part of species proliferation. And despite being super ass alien, that did not make them taller. So they planted seeds.

 

Human seeds. And we grew like weeds. And they play dumb.

 

So when I say ‘cat person’, I don’t mean a person who loves cats. I mean someone with actual identifiable habits as the feline. For instance:

 

1) an air of self entitlement

2) a desire to play with yarn

3) the ability to appear as if your are just a moving piece of furniture

4) never properly learning their name

5) spends nights out on the town that you have no awareness of

 

Sound familiar?

 

And dog people:

 

1) an excitement at cars and things that go fast

2) Lust.

3) The ability to eat anything with a straight face

4) mopes around when they know they have been bad

5) the only thing that allows you to own them is a closed door

 

I won’t make the obvious connection here (that the sexes align with these choices…though seriously?). I will simply say that to succeed in life, love like a dog and live like a cat.

 

(FACT CHECK: The Author has had no training in animal habits, pre-history, writing, thinking things through or acting like an authority figure.)

CATANDDOG

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The Nu Darwinism: Love Like A Dog and Live Like A Cat

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